Getting into something with someone on a bit more than friendship level doesn't half make me completely aware that I can't move my legs and am wheelchair dependent. I feel embarrassed getting into my chair and wheeling about as well as knowing full well I can't do as much in bed as I used to! It hasn't got that far, I'm not easy and I need to find inner peace again before I let anyone get closer to me but it is still in the corner of my mind that I'm not who I used to be.
He isn't a Dev (as far as I know lol!) and I do think negative thoughts about myself like the ones you hear when an AB and wheeler are out and they hear someone say 'wow she's gorgeous, I guess being in the chair makes her more on his level' because the AB guy isn't so good looking. It's not even about looks, I've had a long term relationship with someone who wouldn't be considered a looker but he was a brilliant man and I liked him, that's all that mattered. Sometimes I think 'wow is he so desperate he has to go with a disabled lady' and I don't mean that to offend anyone - I have my own issues here and don't really give a f*ck about anyone getting offended by my innermost thoughts and feelings!
I guess it's all a waiting game, I don't expect to be at a certain stage, putting names on things and pushing for things. I'm secure in myself in some ways, I'm just having difficulty with how others perceive me perhaps or more like how he sees me and why. Reading this back I think I'm definitely worrying over something so silly and I am enjoying it and need to sort my head out. I just can't switch my head off!
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